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It was something I had encountered my whole life.
Though I could never find the proper words to express the depths of my dismay. Everything would be going great until someone found out my big secret.
From then on... it was down hill.
Yes..I fully admit, it wasn't very hard for others to figure out my secret.
In truth, I loved to show it off.
I liked to act cool by showing off my beloved "special" body part. I was even known to wear a sock over it --- this was my way of "acting" like I was covering it.
When I think about it now, I was just a cane prancing fool --- a racquet swinging tool.
It was really just a covert way to invade my opponents mind... a subversive way to rule.
Though some would say that's not the worst of my behavior.
On another occasion, I tried to join a writing club where 85-90% of the people didn't possess my "special" attribute. I then went about flashing my unique, (in the past it was called sinister or evil,) body part at them. I would then crumple up their meager papers and throw them into the garbage.
"You people do not even belong in the same room as my ........ " I would yell.
I would then journey home. When I would arrive and retire to my quarters, I would then go about smothering "it" with the finest sweet smelling non-sticky ointments, wrap "it" in silk garments --- and proceed to call on "ladies of the night" to pleasure and satisfy "it."
Now, some would say... "With that sort of behavior... the freak shall get what he deserves."
I say, shall I?
Why Ned Flanders Changed My Life
My behavior went on like this for month and months.
Flashing and showing off my "special" body part. Crumpling up the papers of the lowly and the meager. Yelling at the sub-humans. Smothering my "special" body part with sweet smelling no-stick ointments. Covering "it" with silk garments. Having "its" respects paid by ladies of the night. (Men too.)
I lived a life of nothing but pleasure seeking and instant gratification.
I wanted nothing but beautiful words spoken to me about my "unique" body part. I wanted nothing more than the constant surrounding of mirrors that would reflect my OWN image back at me. I detested the thought of an image of something higher than me. I couldn't bare the thought of going one day without the comforting warm breath and hands of the hired pressing up against my "it" --- my "special" body part.
I had no goals.... I didn't believe in anything anymore.
And Then it Happened
I saw this video. And I realized I was NOT the problem... everyone else was.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I was being discriminated against. I was dealing with anti-leftetic attitudes. I was going through what my fellow comrades-in-hands had begun to label "typical right-handed bias." I had to fight this typical anti-left-handed prejudiced monster to the death.
I had found my goal in life. The time had come.
I would begin to push for more left-handed scissors equality in the schools. I would set up think tanks to fight against the discrimination of the "left-handed path."
I would chisel my words on sacred tablets and carry them to the ends of the earth.
The sacred tablets would say:
Thy right handed brother and sisters --- know this, thou shall not hurt nor discriminate against thy fellow left handed ones! They are just like thee! They are made of thy same flesh and bleed thy same blood as ye when cut.
Come forth and hither, and rather pray for thy left handed brothers.
As thy sacred social science shows... these poor left-handed people are more likely to be schizophrenic, alcoholic, delinquent, dyslexic, and have Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis, as well as mental disabilities. They're also more likely to die young and get into accidents.
Pray for thy left handed ... my right handed brothers and sisters! Let us all live as one!
