Thank God We Still Have Courageous People Like Ned Flanders -Blast From the Past Written in 2013

Interesting how the left-hand becomes more relevant with time. See here and here. Below is a little parody that I wrote about a man who was harassing me. He and and his crazed friends post at this site.

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It was something I had encountered my whole life.

Though I could never find the proper words to express the depths of my dismay.  Everything would be going great until someone found out my big secret.

From then on... it was down hill.

Yes..I fully admit, it wasn't very hard for others to figure out my secret.

In truth, I loved to show it off.

I liked to act cool by showing off my beloved "special" body part. I was even known to wear a sock over it --- this was my way of "acting" like I was covering it.

When I think about it now, I was just a cane prancing fool --- a racquet swinging tool.

It was really just a covert way to invade my opponents mind... a subversive way to rule.

Though some would say that's not the worst of my behavior.

On another occasion, I tried to join a writing club where 85-90% of the people didn't possess my "special" attribute. I then went about flashing my unique, (in the past it was called sinister or evil,) body part at them. I would then crumple up their meager papers and throw them into the garbage.

"You people do not even belong in the same room as my ........ " I would yell.

I would then journey home. When I would arrive and retire to my quarters, I would then go about smothering "it" with the finest sweet smelling non-sticky ointments, wrap "it" in silk garments --- and proceed to call on "ladies of the night" to pleasure and satisfy "it."

Now, some would say... "With that sort of behavior... the freak shall get what he deserves."


I say, shall I?

Why Ned Flanders Changed My Life

My behavior went on like this for month and months.

Flashing and showing off my "special" body part. Crumpling up the papers of the lowly and the meager. Yelling at the sub-humans. Smothering my "special" body part with sweet smelling no-stick ointments. Covering "it" with silk garments. Having "its" respects paid by ladies of the night. (Men too.)

I lived a life of nothing but pleasure seeking and instant gratification.

I wanted nothing but beautiful words spoken to me about my "unique" body part. I wanted nothing more than the constant surrounding of mirrors that would reflect my OWN image back at me. I detested the thought of  an image of something higher than me. I couldn't bare the thought of going one day without the comforting warm breath and hands of the hired pressing up against my "it" --- my "special" body part.

I had no goals.... I didn't believe in anything anymore.

 
And Then it Happened

I saw this video. And I realized I was NOT the problem... everyone else was.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I was being discriminated against. I was dealing with anti-leftetic attitudes. I was going through what my fellow comrades-in-hands had begun to label "typical right-handed bias." I had to fight this typical anti-left-handed prejudiced monster to the death.

I had found my goal in life. The time had come.

I would begin to push for more left-handed scissors equality in the schools.  I would set up think tanks to fight against the discrimination of the "left-handed path."

I would chisel my words on sacred tablets and carry them to the ends of the earth.

The sacred tablets would say:

Thy right handed brother and sisters --- know this, thou shall not hurt nor discriminate against thy fellow left handed ones! They are just like thee! They are made of thy same flesh and bleed thy same blood as ye when cut.

Come forth and hither, and rather pray for thy left handed brothers. 

As thy sacred social science shows... these poor left-handed people are more likely to be schizophrenic, alcoholic, delinquent, dyslexic, and have Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis, as well as mental disabilities. They're also more likely to die young and get into accidents.

Pray for thy left handed ... my right handed brothers and sisters! Let us all live as one!

Distractions....

 Mr. Modern Neurotic: I keep getting distracted.

Doctor Mindreader: Some distractions are real and warrant our attention. But most of the time they are a way for us to perpetuate our unknown or unacknowledged fears. We want to steer ourselves away from something else… usually a decision. We may want to be in a box.... boxes have walls... limitations.

Mr. Modern Neurotic: But what I know is these walls... though no view exists.  Other times I just let myself go in my distractions because I feel, all too well... that some people need me as part of their distraction, and it makes me feel sad to know their emptiness without it.

Doctor Mindreader: Fear’s room has no windows because it doesn't trust the view --- especially if it's good.  Procrastination's indecisionism loves and needs all the directions to have equal weight --- not because they have equal weight, but because we are not ready for their responsibility. As for your guilt for others emptiness, this too, is probably only a cover, a rationalization to stay with the known.

Mr. Modern Neurotic: What is the cure?

Doctor Mindreader: To decide.

(Aenesidemus enters with a cup of sweet lemon tea)

Aenesidemus : That sounds very reasonable. But is this confidence and mirror gazing real? After all, how many have been stripped of their decision only to be thrown on the rocks again? Maybe your strings only laugh at you.... or that which controls them. Many people think they make decisions, but maybe the decisions make them. Have you ever found it hard to make a decision … and then the decision became easy? What changed? You were not made for it earlier but now you are. Maybe we should watch how much credit we give ourselves. How do we know we’re not someone’s toy?

Mr. Modern Neurotic: Doctor, what if we never really decide.... and great deciders are decided by something beyond them .... or ... maybe something brings us to our decision ... something we do not know. Oh, we think we know. I decided because of this..... because of that ..... because of.....

Aenesidemus: Haha! Yes, now you get it!

Doctor Mindreader: You are best off to believe and act like you do have the power to decide, and then do so. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to see that you have more power than you think. It is almost like our power comes from our ability to believe.... even in things we don't know.

Mr. Modern Neurotic: Hmmm, that sounds strange, and not very scientific.

Doctor Mindreader: Actually it is quite scientific… we have studies on the power and the benefit of belief, even in that which we don’t know to be true.

Mr. Modern Neurotic: Studies that confirmed this… scientific studies?  I need to see these; I need to see the studies before I can believe that I should believe in anything but science, especially decision and belief…. I always thought these were nothing but nonsense. ... especially the whole idea of belief in nonsense. Now you tell me that science tells us that we can actually make decisions and that belief in nonsense is good? Wow, all I can say is I want my nonsense mixed with a dash of sense … this way I will fit in and it looks like I’m still obeying my own sense and not under the pull of someone else’s nonsense. I suppose the new studies on belief disprove that we do not have free-will? It’s about time, now I better go make some serious decisions.

Aenesidemus: Yeah for science! Now we are free to believe with our free-will in nonsense because it’s good for our sense!

(In enters the respected engineer and futurist Doctor Roboface)

Dr. Roboface: Why believe this jibberish? I can tell you one thing, this fellow with the sweet lemon tea is a rag wearing fool, not only that but he's old, crumbling and decaying. He lacks optimization... innovation.... and hi-technology. He certainly doesn't know anything revolutionary like us. Our knowledge gives us control of our own destiny. Just look how nature kneels to our needs... what other proof do you need?

Mr. Modern Neurotic: Yes, I think you're right Doctor Roboface. This rag wearing tea guzzler speaks ill about specialization too, his peg is round and it doesn't fit in the modern day  square hole. He obviously doesn't like herd filled grazing fields... how strange is that? Stranger still, he offers no alternative.... he doesn't like the structure and hierarchy of the hives of old... plus he lacks the knowledge of success, money and honors. And to top it off, he lacks the ability to fist pump with a happy face when talking about our progress.

Dr. Roboface: So why trust this guy with the sweet lemon tea? I used to trust him back in the days when he spoke about life with reason and good sense ... but now.... now, he only speaks with parables and nonsense.

Mr. Modern Neurotic: Good question, from my past dealings with him, I would say he would probably answer your question with another question rather than an answer.... because he has no answers.

Aenesidemus: Why would I do that?

Mr. Modern Neurotic: You see....!!!

Aenesidemus: Doctor Roboface speaks with poison; I never said anything ill of reason or life, only that there is no reasonable reason to believe there is a reason to be reasonable when life itself has no reason. My parables are not about speaking untruths but to make the trip from this point to that more edifying and enduring. Beautiful speeches seek to give warmth and sink into the head through a back door. After all, the front door is always locked. And even if this isn't so, it's boring to enter the easy way, I like to make things hard because there is no reason to make them easy. Maybe your distractions stem from something else --- the vastness of the choices that confront you.  You are a product of progressive progress, and in being so, you lack the necessity and grounding from the teleology of the hive... you are a human decomposition that's lying on the wasteland of the herding ground. But don't believe me, after all, I don't believe this... so why should you?

Mr. Modern Neurotic: Now I am even more confused than ever... what do I do?

Aenesidemus: Some will say this and that are the cause of your distractions... I am not bold enough to say anything but nonsense. Meaning starts with you.  Just like the good doctor said... believe... and decide. Just don't let anyone believe or decide for you.